Toughest Job In The World

WINNING WAYS by Datin T.D. Ampikaipakan

WE ARE pleased to offer you the position of mother. This position does not require a biological disposition. Giving birth is the least reason for someone to become a mother. The job is a permanent position with no probationary tenure of service.

Once you accept the position, you cannot leave, abdicate or relinquish your duties. If you are tempted to take on the role as mother and later decide that it is not your calling, the consequences can be heart-wrenching!

JOB SPECIFICATIONS
This is the toughest job in the world. Below are your subsidiary titles and the skills you have to learn:

Maid – perform all jobs (including cleaning of unmentionables) required of a caregiver as well as be the most automated appliance in the household.

Cook – be creative and innovative in the production of meals at any time required by the children. Enforcing time management scheme may work but it is optional.

Marketing Manager – be able to buy whatever is required by the children whenever the need arises. Better still, anticipate their needs beforehand.

PR Director – be able to create a good image for the children not only for the other parent but also for relatives, friends, educators and society.

Problem-solver and trouble-shooter – be able to help the children through whatever problems they face – scholastic, relational and emotional.

Negotiator – be able to make deals with people who give the children trouble so that the child wins. Also allows the child to learn from failure.

Educator – be able to get the children’s school grades up to par or finds ways and means to teach them skills they will not learn elsewhere.

Police and law-maker – be able to discipline the children, including grounding the kids for bad behaviour, and set rules and ethical standards of acceptable behaviour. Scolding and punishment will be part of your policing and judicial portfolio.

Coach and counsellor – be able to give advice to the children – whether or not they see the need for it – which may be regarded as “nagging”.

Social worker –offer services, like helping out at school functions, organising children’s parties, providing taxi and chaperone services and “sleep-over” facilities to anyone the children favour.

Other than the above, you are also expected to do any job deemed fit and as requested by the other parent, the teacher or the child.

PRIVILEGES
Due to the magnitude of the work and the myriad roles you play, you are allowed the following privileges:

·Emotional intelligence on the job is not required except for manipulative purposes.
·Constant use of threats and disciplinary measures allowed for the children’s benefit, in view of their future.
·White lies are allowed as a protective measure from the wrath of the other parent.
·Irrational decision-making in problem-solving is also permitted.
·Favouritism is allowed but to be used with discretion.
·Discrimination is permitted but only under dire circumstances.

WORKING HOURS
Labour laws do not provide legal restrictions on the hours of work you are expected to put in on a daily basis. So your working hours are as follows:

·26 hours a day (you actually pack in more than 24 hours of work per day), 364 days a year.
·Mother’s Day is a permitted holiday. No other holidays will be granted unless negotiated with the parties involved beforehand.
·Be prepared for work that never ceases.

REMUNERATION
No monetary benefits. We are unable to put a price on the position of being a mother. However, there are fringe benefits that will make up for the loss of income. They are:

·Able to get unconditional love and affection for eternity from the clients (children).
·Able to receive an unlimited supply of hugs and kisses, no matter how old they are.
·Will be considered the queen of the home.
·Will be considered the best mother in the world.
·Will be considered the best friend the child can have.

Fortunate mothers will have the luxury of having their children look after them when they are unable to perform their duties effectively.
The greatest reward a mother can expect from her children cannot be measured in monetary terms. It is also not about how much money she gets in return for her role in nurturing her children over the years.
The best Mother’s Day gift children can give their mothers is by conducting themselves in a way that makes their mother proud to be their mother.